Dear Ballet Baby Jesus…

Please make bad dancing go away. This is post is directed to all of the ridiculous dance studios out there, that just need to stop. Like literally, close your business. Please. Yes, I know this sounds ridiculously harsh, but again, like someone pointed out… I’m like the Perez Hilton of ballet. So…

Some ballet teachers… and studio owners are giving ballet teachers/ masters/ mistresses a bad reputation. By hiring some random nobody, or some washed up somebody, who knows nothing about teaching, anatomy, or child development you are not contributing to making these kids into better dancers. You are literally just a business making money.
Bad Teacher! Bad! You are telling these kids to go audition when they have no business to… For example, I was judging for a collegiate program recently, and there were hundreds of kids… Everyone of these potential collegiate students came from a studio, and while watching the ballet portion I died. Like literally died. (Also, shame on their parents for not researching dance, and actually finding a better place for their child to dance.) And yes, some could argue that they are at university because they didn’t have the talent to go pro, but still… dear god… you could have at least taught them to turn out or straighten their knees. I don’t know how some of these kids were trained, but I have never seen more flowery overly dramatic arms and faces… I can say this as I am kind of flowery, and wrist-y… but dear god… I have never seen so much drama happen in a ballet class. Some of these students looked like they should be dancing Romeo and Juliet during plies.

As my nightly routine has it, before I go to bed I go on youtube and watch ballet videos. So, here I am minding my own business watching Paris Opera, and then there is a video recommended on the side saying Serenade. First I think, “Well this violates the Balanchine Trust..” And then I open it… and some random in middle America thought it would be clever to basically stage their version Serenade. >____< *hand to my face*  Just stop. I get that not all teachers are choreographers, and not all choreographers are teachers… but 1. Do not ever touch Serenade… 2. If your kids are knuckling in their shoes (they shouldn’t be on pointe but since you put them on…) … Don’t even attempt choreography that could break their wobbly ankles.

Finally… my last rant… As we keep slamming all these clothing brands with bad dancers… Free People… Degree…. etc… I would like to take a moment to slam Ciara. Not because she got her biscuit feet in pointe shoes… but because of her we have inspired numerous drag queens to take this on. Literally within the week of the video being out… here I am drinking my Tanqueray 10 Martini when this drag queen comes out in gaynor mindens… Not only was she sickled, wobbly, knocking and ginchy… but she tried doing fouettes, and attempted to do the splits in some awkward-dragqueen-seductive manner.

And so, this is my rant of the night.